Sure, everyone can say I feel ‘jealous’..
But, you see, if I asked you to explain what you mean by that, or what thoughts you are experiencing when you are jealous, what would you say?
The truth is, jealousy is just a word we give to a feeling we get when our girlfriend flirts with another man for example, or when she dances with another guy in front of us, or if she is going to a house party without us, as an example..
What is the underlying cause of your feelings..?..
The reason why men feel jealous is different from person to person.
It really helps to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you are experiencing when you feel jealous. What are the primary emotions?
Take a look at a letter that one of my readers wrote to me a while back when I asked him what he felt when he was feeling Jealousy:
What is Jealousy to You?
“I guess deep down I feel that I am not adequate enough to keep her. That she can do better and that when the right guy comes along she will leave me for him. I fear that one day she will realise that she doesn’t really feel those feelings for me and move on, or because she meets someone else, this will happen.”
“I guess one of my fears is that I will lose the love, warmth and sex from her..the affection…I will miss her in general..”
“I get scared when I see another guy making her laugh and flirting with her (especially a guy who I know is good with women and can attract them), that she might like him more than me.. I always want to be the best in her eyes, the one that can make her laugh, the one that she likes the most. I dont want her to like someone I KNOW more than me..”
“I fear that I will be losing someone who is really special and that it will take me time to find another woman, if at all.”
“On some level I am insecure that another man (whom I may know) will be better than me in bed and will please her sexually better than I could.”
“I feel special that of all the people she knows, she is with me and not others, that I have experienced what I have had with her and I don’t want the experience to be devalued. I guess I don’t want another guy to experience what I had with her.”
“I know that deep down most girls can be gamed if you let them spend too much time with someone.. so I am pre cautious and try to keep control of things so this doesn’t happen.”
So sitting down and doing this exercise, really thinking about what is jealousy, why you are feeling this way, will show you that what you are feeling is not jealousy per say, but some type of insecurity about your own worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a lover and doubts about your desirability.
You may find that you will have a fear of not getting the warmth, the love or affection and sex that you need, and that if you were to have those needs met (by your partner or another woman), your jealousy will disappear. You may find that you will have a fear of change, a fear of abandonment, a fear of losing the power and control, and just losing her friendship in general.
You may feel that her leaving reinforces your belief that you are not good enough, not adequate enough for her as a man or lover, that it will take you time to find someone else.
So it is important to realise that we as men have needs, and that if our needs are not met, this can cause jealousy: Any man in a relationship needs to feel secure, needed, loved, valued and special.
Now knowing this may not make the bad feelings go away. But knowing it makes it easier to know what to focus my attention on.
So What is Jealousy? It can be a mixture of things really.
Your mission: is to figure out the source.