If you are wondering how to Overcome Jealousy, you must have an understanding of irrational thoughts, as understanding and stopping them are at the corner stone of overcoming jealousy.  You must refute or eliminate irrational thoughts from your mind when you are feeling jealous in order to preserve and improve your relationships.

If you’ve recognized you’re prone to jealousy, the first thing you must do is learn how to prevent seeds of jealousy from blossoming into large green-eyed monsters. And this is where eliminating irrational thoughts in our minds come in handy. During moments of jealousy, what is often just a small issue gets blown out of proportion because we entertain irrational thoughts that come into our mind and it will be your job to kick them out and focus on rational and more positive thoughts.

Eventually, with time and practice, these steps will happen quickly, without much thought and will soon become the “norm” rather than something that you must consciously work on each time you feel jealousy start to take control of your thoughts and actions.  In fact, over the period of a few months, the jealousy feeling will actually begin to fade away and be replaced with acceptance and confidence.  Confidence in yourself and within your relationship and acceptance that your partner may have other friends and people in her life but that it doesn’t mean she does not love you.

What are irrational thoughts?

As the term implies, irrational thoughts refer to ways of thinking that are unreasonable, or don’t follow the rules of logic.

Sometimes we’re not aware that our thoughts are irrational — they just come into our heads and we react to them. In other cases, we know what we’re thinking makes no sense at all, but we can’t help thinking them anyway.

So what irrational thoughts should guys watch out for during jealousy?

Eliminating Irrational Thoughts

“My feelings devalue my relationship.”

Research by Salovey and Rodin has found that selective ignoring (that is, deciding that one’s partner is not that important), is common coping during jealousy. It’s a defense mechanism against pain — “Why would I be hurt? She means nothing to me.” But you need to watch out for this kind of logical leap. While it can make you temporarily feel better about your situation, it can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once you think your relationship isn’t important, you start pushing your partner away — and ruin your chances for reconciliation and deeper intimacy. Instead, proactively remember that it’s the opposite that’s true: you experience jealousy, whether rightly or wrongly, because you value a relationship.

“It’s important I’m perceived as coping like a man.”

This is irrational because at the end of the day, your reputation means jack squat. How you actually cope is more important than how others perceive you to be coping. While seeking revenge or retribution seems like the face-saving thing to do (indeed, who wants to be taunted as cuckolded?), it’s not the best approach to a problem. Do you want to save your relationship? Then open communication lines. Do you prefer that you and your partner go separate ways? Then aim for a mature, clean break. It’s your life anyway, so why should you care what people say?

“Because I feel it, it must be true.”

While it’s true that rational jealousy is triggered by perceiving actual threats to a relationship, feeling jealous isn’t always a guarantee that something shady is going on. Sit down, take a deep breath and remember exactly what you heard and saw. Can there be other explanations for what triggered your suspicions? What’s your history with jealousy like? Remember, a smidge of jealousy can make you hypervigilant for other signs of infidelity, so watch out! You may be making a mountain out of tiny, tiny, tiny molehill.

“Unfaithfulness says something bad about me.”

In cases of real or perceived infidelity, it’s but human nature to ask: “So, what’s wrong with me, then?” Unfaithfulness of a partner feels like an attack to one’s self-esteem, and you can expect all sorts of insecurities to come out of the woodwork. Am I good enough lover? Is my rival better in some way? What else could I have done differently? Am I destined to be like my dad — always left behind by the women he meets? But jealousy can be made free from self-recrimination (and for all you know, your partner’s unfaithfulness has nothing to do with you!). The moment you start concluding that everything must reflect badly on you is the moment jealousy becomes a vicious acid that corrodes your day.

“I can’t control jealousy.”

There was a time when catching spouses in flagrante delicto is justifiable excuse for murder. Thank goodness this ruling has been changed! It sends the message that jealousy is uncontrollable, that it’s a moment of temporary insanity where you can’t be made accountable for your actions. The reality is: jealousy is manageable. The reason it’s overwhelming is because it’s a compound emotion: it’s an elixir of so many other negative feelings like anger, frustration, resentment, depression, fear and the need for self-destruction and/or retribution. What you need to do to control jealousy is to sort jealousy into its component parts, so that you can address each one rationally. Sit down and list what you’re going through — demystify your experience. It’s not more powerful than you are.

“I have to act immediately.”

Can a confrontation wait? Jealousy is par for course in any relationship — it’s an instinct designed to protect what is considered as valuable. But what makes it destructive is the devil on your shoulder pushing to GET ANSWERS NOW. Research shows that unlike infidelity in men, unfaithfulness in women tend to develop slowly, and tend to last longer too as there are emotional attachments to consider. You don’t need to solve the issue overnight — things will be at the same point if you deal with things tomorrow.  Breathe. Exercise. Think! (Note: not obsess.) Things always look differently in the morning.

“I won’t be able to handle it if she’s really seeing someone else.”

And the last irrational thought that you need to overcome jealousy is the tendency to catasthrophize everything.

How did you survive before she came along?  If your ability stay in control of your life is dependant on who she is or isn’t seeing then you really MUST begin looking at your self-image and confidence.  After all, what other’s think of you and how they react to you should NOT define you.  You should define who you are for yourself – then when others want to be around you and enter into a relationship with you it will be because of who you TRULY are!

How did you survive before she came along?  If your ability stay in control of your life is dependant on who she is or isn’t seeing then you really MUST begin looking at your self-image and confidence.  After all, what other’s think of you and how they react to you should NOT define you.  You should define who you are for yourself – then when others want to be around you and enter into a relationship with you it will be because of who you TRULY are!

”I can’t talk to her about my Jealousy”

Some guys never communicate feelings to their partner — for fear that they may be right. The choice to confront your lady is yours to make; there are no right or wrong ways to do it. But if you do decide to not mention anything, do it not out of fear, but because you’ve recognized that under the circumstances, it’s the best thing to do. Relationships are more resilient than most give them credit for — why not focus your energies into making your relationship jealousy-proof?