One of the main reasons relationships break is because the man becomes jealous and possessive (usually without reason) and this suffocates the other person. So it’s important to have an understanding of boundaries in relationships and to know what is deemed acceptable (and not) so that we act appropriately towards the woman we are with and make the right choices, without coming across as too controlling.
As mentioned before, jealousy is a response to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. So it is important to know what is considered a REAL threat in a relationship, so that you do not become unnecessarily jealous. It is very easy to blow things out of proportion, so its important to accurately assess the degree of threat that is actually present, and stop perceiving a threat when in reality non exists!
Why chose to suffer the incredible pains of jealousy, if there is no basis for it in reality?
So we are going to look at some of the main scenarios where men perceive there is a threat present, when in fact it is highly likely that there is none.
Whilst reading the list below, remember that there is a huge difference between setting up boundaries in relationships and controlling your partner. The simple truth is that she’s her own person, and if you try to stop her from living her life, your relationship will not work.
Furthermore, trying to stop her from engaging in behaviour which she believes is innocent, is one of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship. Sure, she may agree to your rules in order to make you happy in the short term, but she won’t abide by them and keep her promise because she views them as silly. And every time she breaks them it really lowers your value in her eyes.
Now, that doesn’t mean you just sit back and let a woman walk all over you. But its important to be aware that some of the things you consider to be over the line, the woman might perceive as just normal, and you need to get to know the woman you are with and what her take on things are. Every woman is different!
Once you establish a relationship, you still have to give the other person trust, and not overcrowd them. But you should still set the rules. Have a discussion about boundaries, and mutually agree on what is acceptable behaviour. Bear in mind that neither of you will get 100% of what you want, and if you are both compromising too much, then you are not right for each other.
Off course, I should mention that boundaries in relationships are different for each person, and what is considered normal and acceptable for one guy might not be acceptable for another. So decide what is acceptable to you and what you can live with, bearing in mind what is considered normal to a lot of men with the list I have compiled here. It is also important to know how to communicate jealousy to your partner in the right way.
I hope after reading the list it will give you some idea as to what kinds of things you should look out for and will serve to dramatically improve your relationship.
Setting the Right Boundaries in Relationships
Let’s look at the main issues regarding which boundaries are acceptable and which are not:
Allowing her to have guy friends
If you have lady friends, what is the big deal? If you try to take away her guy friends, I can guarantee you the relationship won’t last. She had guy friends before she met you, so what is she supposed to do, stop talking to them?
I would be against them staying alone together though, but even then, if she genuinely sees him as ‘just a friend’, then don’t let it bother you.
Provided he’s genuinely a friend and not a guy who thinks he’s going to get somewhere, these are the sort of things should not bother you. If they do, it indicates that you have trust issues and this means the relationship wont last very long, and be generally an unhappy one.
Allowing her to go to a guy friend’s house
If you go to your lady friends houses, you should not complain. However, again, they should never be alone.
Allowing her to go for a drink with a guy friend
If this is someone she works with or has been friends with for a long time, then he is not a threat to you. However, if this is a random guy she met, then no, never alone.
Allowing her to dance with a random man at a club
Why should this be a problem? You want her to have fun, don’t you? If you know she is going home with you at the end of the night, what’s the big deal? This can actually work in your favour by letting other guys ramp up her buying temperature (sexually charge up your woman), and then you end up taking her home and sleeping with her.
Flirting with other men in front of you
Most guys confuse a woman being friendly and nice with flirting. They are two distinctly different things. Flirting is quite harmless in my opinion. If she can flirt, then you can also flirt, there is no harm in that. The line stops at touching, kissing off course. But if flirting makes her happy, why wouldn’t you want her to be happy? You reap the benefits of her being happy and feeling good about herself, so why would you try to put a stop to activities that do those things?
Your girl may be a bit of a flirt. She’s sexy, and she may enjoy the power that being sexy gives her. Not all girls are like that, but if you want the advantages that come with dating a sexy, flirty girl who’s not ashamed of the fact that she’s hot, this is what you have to deal with.
Allowing other guys to hit on her
If you are with an attractive girl, guys will hit on her. It’s a fact of life, so the best thing is to accept it as part of the reality of dating a hot girl. How is she supposed to stop other guys from hitting on her? For me, it’s an ego boost and only reaffirms that I am not the only one that finds her attractive. This can also charge up her sexuality.
Off course, at some point I would expect her to use the words ‘my boyfriend’ in a sentence, so they get the hint, or shut them down in other ways. You may want to learn ways on how to handle a guy hitting on your woman.
Giving out her number to random guys she meets at bars
Sometimes, for a girl, the easiest way to get a guy to leave her alone is to give him her number, with the expectation of not answering when he calls. The reality is that some men get rude, threatening or obnoxious when a girl says no to her giving her number out. And some will take her ‘no’ to mean ‘try harder’. So it can be unpleasant and uncomfortable for them.
And usually, when she gives a guy her number, he stops talking to her.
For these reasons, I have no problem with her doing it, although I often prefer it if she says that she’s seeing someone before doing so.
The more time I let my girlfriend spend with another guy, the more likely it is for her to fall for him (to be gamed)
Don’t let this worry you. It is difficult to go from being friends with a girl, to being a sexual partner. In fact, for most men, the best way to do it, is to do the opposite of spending time with her. The guy who is hanging out with her all the time as a friend, hoping it will eventually lead to something more, is actually making things worse for himself.
What about girls who like to go out and drink, is it acceptable is she blames it on the alcohol
Regardless of whether she drinks or not, she should have a certain amount of self control. If she gets drunk, and then makes mistakes because of it, I would not want to be in a relationship with that kind of woman. Don’t forget that moderate drinking doesn’t make you do anything that you don’t want to do anyway. If anything, it lowers your inhibitions so you are more likely to do the things that you want to do. So if she is drinking with a guy whom she is attracted to is more likely to slip up. But if she is hanging out with the low-value guy, she is not likely to find herself sleeping with him by accident.
I hope this list of boundaries in relationships is helpful to you..To get a more in-depth and fuller understanding of how jealousy interferes in your relationship and to learn how to truly eradicate Jealousy from your relationship, I highly recommend you check out The Real Man’s Guide to Controlling Jealousy.